---

6 Music Artist Collection | Jeff Buckley Forever https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bGk4K-xOaT4

Merri Cyr

39:54 – ...just gave me such a feeling of his vulnerability and I just felt like I just wanted to protect him so much, I mean that's the feeling he evoked from me . . . I don't know, thinking of about it is kind of making me tear up he just felt like he needed protection.

1:11:49 – I increasingly felt like, as I knew him, that his origin story overwhelmed his current life to certain degree that he was kind of living out a predestined existence...

1:12:47 – He was always insecure, he was always angry about that abandonment from his father. You know, Jeff lived in a state of perpetually feeling he was unloved ...and it was awful to see that. It didn't matter how much you loved him or whether you fell in love with him or tried to love him.

---

During the writing process, Smith had difficulty “find[ing] the right imagery” for the lyrics to “Alone”, ultimately finding inspiration from the Ernest Dowson poem “Dregs”.

Dregs

By Ernest Dowson

The fire is out, and spent the warmth thereof, (This is the end of every song man sings!) The golden wine is drunk, the dregs remain, Bitter as wormwood and as salt as pain; And health and hope have gone the way of love Into the drear oblivion of lost things. Ghosts go along with us until the end; This was a mistress, this, perhaps, a friend. With pale, indifferent eyes, we sit and wait For the dropped curtain and the closing gate: This is the end of all the songs man sings.

💿 Songs Of A Lost World

---

Something Wicked This Way Comes

1962 dark fantasy novel by Ray Bradbury

“Death doesn't exist. It never did, it never will. But we've drawn so many pictures of it, so many years, trying to pin it down, comprehend it, we've got to thinking of it as an entity, strangely alive and greedy. All it is, however, is a stopped watch, a loss, an end, a darkness. Nothing.”

---

♫ Disintegration

---

“I fucking hate Royalty. Any kind of hereditary privilege is just wrong. It’s not just anti-democracy, it’s just inherently wrong. What upsets me is that some people who I’ve actually admired down the years get offered a reward by the Royal Family, by the hereditary monarchy, and they take it. They become Lord or Sir.

“I would honestly cut off my own hands before I [accepted an honour]. Because how dare they presume that they could give me an honour. I’m much better than them. They’ve never done anything, they’re fucking idiots. I should be King.”

https://www.reddit.com/r/TheCure/comments/13amrhg/robert_smith_of_the_cure_rejects_royalty_and

---

Siouxsie Sioux and Robert Smith (1984)

---

The Cure Live – 1989-06-04 Palazzo dello Sport, Rome, Italy

A good recording (although not as bassy as I would prefer) in front of a very passionate Italian crowd, almost every song off Disintegration features amidst two and a half hours a music. The crown of this show, though, is the closer – Robert dedicates it to “everyone who died in China today”, referencing the Tiananmen Square massacre that had happened just hours prior, and so unleashes a long, passionate, and moving version of 'Faith'.

And sunflower the affair brief as a song ‧₊˚❀༉‧₊˚.

Rebecca: New York / city / mirror / lipstick / letter / blood / gun / silver eyes / bed / doorstep / couch / butterfly

“i dont want to lose you but i cant ask that you stay we all know that it means toture anyway” (I Know We Could Be So Happy Baby)

sometimes you say: im not really here – no ive never been here... were shadows in the fog. And even silence will disappear someday

and I know that you dont mean to come off so damn cruel

im trying to come clean but I feel so lost in this cloud of songs that you left me.

♫ Grace / Lover, You Should've Come Over / So Real / Forget Her / You & I / Gunshot Glitter 🦋

---

Liz: London / flower / gift / treasure = jewel / gold / star / light / woman = lady / steal = thieves / purity / shame / friend / fail

And though the meaning fits There's no relief in this (Morning Theft)

it's stupid all the words fit together where now is nothing why did you have to bring us together, under such dirty circumstance? (Let's Bomb the Moonlight)

Love, love is a verb Love is a doing word

Teardrop on the fire Fearless on my breath

Night, night of matter Black flowers blossom

Water is my eye Most faithful mirror

You're stumbling down

♫ Morning Theft / Vancouver / Jewel Box / Thousand Fold / Opened Once 🌻

---

Passion (Love & Sex): nightmare / fire / burn / wave / bliss / floor / rain / moon / smile / fly / dance

spring water on the floor of this sex starved room the nightmare's fires burn the waves of bliss (Mood Swing Whiskey)

♫ Nightmares By The Sea 🔥

Elizabeth Fraser of the Cocteau Twins:

“I’d love to sing with Jeff Buckley … He is currently making his first album, and if it’s anything like a radio session I heard by him, it should be amazing. He’s written this song called ‘Grace’, which literally makes the hair on my neck stand on end. I was sweating like a fucking June bride when I first heard him. Music has never done that to me before.” https://jeffbuckley.com/quotes

Elizabeth Fraser on Jeff Buckley: https://youtu.be/X7G90ZylP6g

---

Teardrop (1997 song)

While recording the song in 1997, she found out that Jeff Buckley, with whom she had formerly been involved in a relationship, had disappeared—later discovered to have drowned. In 2009, she said, “That was so weird ... I'd got letters out and I was thinking about him. That song's kind of about him—that's how it feels to me anyway” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Teardrop_(song)

All Flowers in Time Bend Towards the Sun (1994 duet)

After parting from Guthrie, but still in the same band, Fraser struck up an intense relationship with Jeff Buckley after they became infatuated with each other's voices. Again, emotion produced music. A sublime duet they recorded called All Flowers in Time Bend Towards the Sun is floating around the internet, to her irritation.

“Why do people have to hear everything?” she complains. I tell her it's wonderful. “But it's unfinished, you see. I don't want it to be heard.” There's a pause. “Maybe I won't always think that.”

Buckley died in 1997, by which time they had lost touch – Fraser had grown frustrated with his constant touring, a reaction that weighs heavily on her. “I just wish I'd been more of a friend,” she says, softly. “His career was everything to him, and I wish I had been more understanding – happy with a different kind of relationship. I missed out on something there, and it was my fault.” https://www.theguardian.com/music/2009/nov/26/cocteau-twins-elizabeth-fraser-interview

Milk & Kisses (1996 Album)

“A friend was kind of comforting me on the phone and they were just being so sweet, really. They had empathy for what I was going through, and they said, ‘I wish I could get the poison out of you. I wish I could just take it out of you and replace it with milk and kisses.’ And I just thought that was really brilliant! It’s beautiful, isn’t it? I kept hearing it and feeling so good about it, it seemed right to use it.” https://cocteautwins.com/milk-and-kisses.html

Twinlight (1995 EP)

“My love addiction was worse than ever. I was maniacal. Twinlights is about that man. My ‘last goodbye,’ as it were. I was too needy and he was too much of an avoidance person. Naturally.” https://cocteautwins.com/twinlights.html

Rilkean Heart and Half-Gifts (Liz)

Rilkean Heart was based on her connection with Jeff Buckley who, along with herself, was a fan of he poet Rilke. ...present in ‘Rilkean Heart’ and the deeply moving ‘Half-Gifts.’ The intense sadness of these songs may not be entirely unrelated to her rumoured break-up with a young Cocteau Twins fan called Jeff Buckley. https://cocteautwins.com/1996-milk-and-kisses-mojo-magazine.html

Morning Theft (Jeff)

“Morning Theft” is generally understood to be a song for Elizabeth Fraser, lead singer of The Cocteau Twins, with whom Buckley shared an intense but doomed romantic relationship. It may contain references to other romances as well; the lyrics alone do not tell a specific story. But together with the instrumentation and tender vocals, a haunting sense of affection, longing and regret is created. https://genius.com/Jeff-buckley-morning-theft-lyrics

“Widely thought to be about Liz Fraser of the Cocteau Twins, this wistful, tender love song about “unexamined failure” inhabits the lower registers of Jeff's voice. Despairing (“gifts for boot heels to crush, promises deceived”) and hopeful (“we come together making chance in the starlight”), the melody moves in slow circles around an almost Elizabethan structure, a kind of deranged minuet which finally settles into resolution and peace. This lovely solo performance, given to a small New York crowd just before Jeff moved to Memphis, is both wilder and warmer than the studio version included on Sketches for My Sweetheart the Drunk.” — Web Article, Clare O'Brien http://flowersintime.org/show.php?songid=102

Vancouver (Jeff)

The lyrics were supposedly written in London in August 1994 (hence the line 'Now, smell the rain of London...'), and potentially inspired by Liz Fraser. The name probably comes from the fact that the music was composed during some studio time the band took in Vancouver, November 1994. http://flowersintime.org/show.php?songid=161

---

Lady, all the troubles are my fright, I disgust you

I need to be alone to heal this bleeding stone Now, smell the rain of london, it still insists

I am your failed husband contender I'm your loan shark of bliss (Vancouver)

-

But what am I still to you Some thief who stole from you? Or, some fool drama queen Whose chances were few?

You're a woman, I'm a calf You're a window, I'm a knife We come together Making chance in the starlight

You know the meaning fits There's no relief in this I miss my beautiful friend (Morning Theft)

- I know you are a woman by the way you burn below Like thieves, my bad luck grows / ... like emeralds I stole (Jewel Box)

- Just like the ocean, always in love with the moon It's overflowing now, inside you

I am a railroad track abandoned With the sunset forgetting I ever happened That I ever happened (Opened Once)

- I have no desire to make contact with all the thought of “no, no”. I shiver now, to think of how this answer asked her, no. Long time gone. I run to my hide out.

There ain't a star born that brightens More than you, you always should have known, I'll illuminate your question, Long time ago I'd died and gone. (Thousand Fold)

---

milk and kisses for the first man

my old man

love and a thousandfold rose for Buckley

my Rilkean Hearted friend

Internet Archive – Milk & Kisses (Booklet p.8)

Rilkean heart I looked for you To give me transcendent experiences I became a junkie for it I came looking for the next high And I'm sorry (Rilkean Heart)

- Well I'm still a junkie for it It takes me out of my aloneness But this relationship cannot sustain itself (Half-Gifts)

- Is it like a dream? / Or does it seem grounded and real?

I feel a connection / A deep connection But it’s not reflected / In time spent together (Tishbite)

- You are a woman just as you are a man (Seekers Who Are Lovers)

- What woman can sing Without loving the primitive heart Midnight he'll sing blue Cuz he's silly (Primitive Heart)

- Long-term scares us when we're down I really need to know if you are in love (Smile)

- Little flowers in the dirt And gladness will fill me in your hand You hold and surround me in gold (Golden-Vein)

- Sing, and touch me With sad lust and revealing dreams

Cover me in Sublime light Come back now, put sunlight on The sunlight will touch me sublime me and I'll... come back to you (Flock of Soul)

---

⭐ Oh, you left some stars in my belly (Jewel Box) Stars in my eyes / Stars at my feet / Womb in the belly (Shallow Then Halo)

🌊 Wait at sea for waves of light Always stars see what, once you're free, He hopes will be the very last time (Orange Appled)

Stay with me under these waves, tonight / Be free for once in your life, tonight (Nightmares by the Sea)

☁️ Purified love / Constancy purifies mistakes (Treasure Hiding) That we beg for our purity / As if we are pure in the reign of our contentment (Vancouver)

🎁 Shame casts her face / I will be just what I am (Summerhead) Feel no shame for what you are (New Year's Prayer)

Steal more treasures, steal more gifts (Summerhead) The gift is shining through the troubled dark (New Year's Prayer – draft)

---

Jeff interpolating Ivo by Cocteau Twins, 1993 & 1995 https://www.reddit.com/r/JeffBuckley/comments/1aws8qh/two_instances_of_jeff_interpolating_ivo_by

---

https://jeffbuckley.com/personal-stuff

---

Jeff Buckley – Vancouver | MTV's Most Wanted (London, England) 3/3/1995 https://youtu.be/kfqa-PvVy5w

Flower Telecaster https://sweetdreamsjeff.tumblr.com/post/141489027240/flower-telecaster

---

Lyrics reference: https://lyrics.cocteautwins.com https://cocteautwins.com/cocteau-twins-lyrics.html https://www.liquidgnome.com/JeffBuckley/lyrics.html

'94 Mar & Aug-Sep / '95 Jan-Mar & Jun-Jul

📍 Europe: https://maps.app.goo.gl/4ytZZkFGDi2vBbdy9 📍 UK: https://maps.app.goo.gl/zokCg5HCR7veM1co8

Source: – Jeff Buckley Live Performances/Bootlegs Chronology – TheRightEarOfNash: The Mix Tapes

See Also: Grace Around the World (2009, DVD)

---

1994

Live at the Gleneagles Hotel (Glasgow, Scotland) March 9, 1994 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6gaUZaFvYrk

Live on the Mark Radcliff Show (Manchester, England) August 22, 1994 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0HhId1p0VfQ

Live at Lowlands Festival (Dronten, Netherlands) August 27, 1994 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KN7R7_AwjeQ

Live at Reading Festival, UK | August 28, 1994 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VSoNZwupAe4

Live at The Garage (London, England) September 1, 1994 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3pjOKmEig8

Live at The Loft (Berlin, Germany) September 11, 1994 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fXJPfTHuGgE

Live at Nachtleban (Frankfurt, Germany) September 14, 1994 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A9p5TF5jHh4

Live at The Milky Way (Amsterdam, Netherlands) September 20, 1994 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=etdVO8PIytM

Live at the Pacific Club (Antwerp, Belgium) September 21, 1994 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q3DPsmnglZI

Live at Passage du Nord Ouest (Paris, France) September 22, 1994 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xVNNOHfZ9CY

1995

Live at the Astoria 2 (London, England) January 18, 1995 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DdqeeWlLaFc

Live on Europe 1 Radio (Paris, France) January 19, 1995 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sxovRmm-JZ4

Live at Bataclan (Paris, France) February 11, 1995 🎥 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n6mJWmSik3g 💿 https://music.apple.com/album/live-from-the-bataclan-ep/1476888717

Live at Ubu (Rennes, France) February 13, 1995 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KBrEXEdr2HA

Live at La Laiterie (Strasbourg, France) February 14, 1995 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VgJDlmxDvk

Live at Velvet Jungle (Paris, France) February 15, 1995 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lN897piJh-k

Live at The Loft (Berlin, Germany) February 21, 1995 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0pkgyr7vWA4

Live at Club Logo (Hamburg, Germany) February 22, 1995 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_5cYEOrYxxs

Live aus dem Südbahnhof (Frankfurt, Germany) February 24, 1995 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHqfMvrmPE8 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Pe9ueKO7MY (Eternal Life + I Know It's Over + Hallelujah)

Live at Nighttown (Rotterdam, Netherlands) February 25, 1995 🎥 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0B3qf-2G7Y 💿 https://music.apple.com/album/live-at-nighttown-ep-single/1476888602

Live at Le Botanique (Brussels, Belgium) February 26, 1995 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kvoxq0vwQ8

Live at Shepherd's Bush Empire (London, England) March 4, 1995 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4tACZNmAgCQ

Live at City Varieties (Leeds, England) June 21, 1995 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uJXaHfqTwTw

Live at Glastonbury Festival, UK | June 24, 1995 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6X_eJamv5rA

Live at Exo 7 (Rouen, France) June 28, 1995 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WSsIz0EdcNs

Live at the Roskilde Festival, Denmark | June 30, 1995 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SjcQ4VKYovA

Live at Meltdown Festival (London, UK) | July 1, 1995 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xwf3ox_9etQ

Live at Rock Torhout, Belgium | July 1, 1995 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XeHp9ggFo2A

Live at L'Olympia (Paris, France) | July 6, 1995 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yAlTaSqN6AI&

Live at Scala (Ludwigsburg, Germany) July 13, 1995 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UuUdH3rdp9k

Live at Festa de l'Unità (Correggio, Italy) July 15, 1995 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XW2XCC2r6Uk

插畫@雷⚡

整理@白🦆

萃取器具

推荐聪明杯+魔术帽

补充解释：冲煮的水温其实不是所显示的水温。滤杯的材质会吸附热能，所以我们才需要冲煮前倒水湿润滤纸，一方面是真的洗滤纸，还有就是热滤杯。滤杯材质不同比热容也不同，比如树脂的滤杯一开始的温度会更高，因此树脂滤杯vs陶瓷滤杯出品相对来说风味更浓郁。 对于入门爱好者，聪明杯魔术帽这套，水流会很稳定。

只是研磨度要自己琢磨，或者找人调磨。研磨的刻度很重要，想要提升一杯咖啡其实最重要的选择就是，磨豆机。克价十元人民币的豆子如果研磨度不对，冲出来也会翻车。

---

萃取方式

通常方式

例如：今天冲10g豆子，豆子10g，用的ek磨豆机，刻度12.4, 94的水温，35g关闭阀门去闷蒸，绕圈注入至100g，关闭阀门注入到140g，浸泡18s，打开阀门，萃取时间2:10

取巧方式

在设备条件有限的情况下便宜的豆子上限下限都很低，反而是很容易翻车的。如果聪明杯魔术帽这套方案你觉得不大适合你自己，那么你评估下你的设备适不适合做浸泡式方案，减少旁通水。就是取巧一些，便宜的豆子用减少旁通水的做法去换取更好的味道。

为什么说这种方法比较取巧是因为，很多新手在冲咖啡的时候最大的问题就是旁通水的控制，或者说新手很多并不明白下水与扰流对萃取的影响（不是豆子耐萃不耐萃的问题）。

抑制旁通水的话，一般来讲就有无限滤杯跟平底滤杯这种偏浸泡式的，类聪明杯式的冲法是为了萃取更均匀，让所有的粉尘都能泡到水，这就是聪明杯方案最大的目的，让所有的粉尘都能泡到水，这个是最重要的目的（减少旁通水也是为了这个目的服务）。

新手常说风味强度轻微风味不够，浅烘焙控制了焦苦味，更容易出甜，如果想要更多的风味表现，简单粗暴来说就推荐浸泡豆子，类浸泡式抹平手法减少问题，让咖啡豆能更好地被萃取，使豆子萃取完整。

• 杨门浸泡式 （未搜到相关，先将浸泡式贴在下方） 将水一次性注入，使咖啡粉被完全浸没；待水渗透到咖啡粉中，萃取咖啡风味和化合物；最后将咖啡过滤出。

---

萃取给水

• 蒸馏水
• 矿泉水

水对咖啡的影响也很大 你可以试试用农夫/长白雪/恒大低钠水去冲一些咖啡做实验。咖啡有99%的成分是水，水质是对咖啡呈现出来的风味有影响哒。

世界各地的水硬度都不一样，像浅烘精品咖啡届最推崇的北欧极浅烘（其中丹麦最出名，十几年前打世界赛7个选手里面有6个来自丹麦）那边，丹麦的水tds是比中国国内要高非常多的，北欧的直饮水冲咖啡vs国内的直饮水（简单来说国内的水是比较软的tds比较低）冲同一支咖啡是非常不一样的饮用感受。

但是水tds指数跟水里的矿物质如何影响一杯咖啡，这个问题打比赛选手也不太能解释得清楚，我已经听了很多意见相左的说法hhh……比较直观的感受是，今年WBRC获得第六名的选手打比赛用的翡翠庄园mario lot日晒豆，我这边用直饮水跟用无矿物质的蒸馏水去给豆子做杯测对比喝起来味道就很不一样，这只赛豆克价已经去到七块多人民币左右，用直饮水冲起来顶多是一块五人民币不到就能拥有的风味，可是用无矿物的蒸馏水那就非常神奇，白色花香、红色花香与紫色花香同时存在于这只咖啡里而且香气持久不散，风味也变昂贵优雅许多。这只豆子有很多争议（关于换水才能变好喝我们其实还是不认可这只豆子的品质的LOL）

换水确实可以改变一只咖啡的风味/有可能让这只咖啡变得更好喝，在更换咖啡器具like磨豆机、滤杯、滤纸这些东西来说，换水显然更划算。

长白雪……我没拿长白雪测过很多豆子，只记得拿它冲过一只台湾typica, 对比直饮水会酸度更高。但因为样本数据不足我也不能推导结论它冲咖啡更突出酸质哈。

---

选豆参考

一般来说烘豆商会标咖啡豆的色值粉值。有的还会说自己用什么机器烘的。

别人说的风味不代表你能喝得出来，看风味挑豆是没有意义的。当然跟萌新说要看烘焙的数值跟其他东西好像也没啥意义。（留给狸老师以后补充）

整理@白🦆

咖啡品种

咖啡品种分三大类，阿拉比卡/利比利卡/罗布斯塔 。

罗布斯塔 Robusta

一般海拔较低的地区都种植罗布斯塔。以雀巢为代表的大型连锁的快消速溶咖啡品牌，基本都选用罗豆，因为罗豆的咖啡因含量高，快消速溶的最大消费客群目的是为了提神而不是为了品尝风味，那么罗豆无疑是最佳选择。越南种植着世界上范围最大的罗布斯塔，其次是巴西跟印尼。如果你对咖啡因敏感，最好还是不要饮用罗布斯塔，喝着容易心悸失眠。

利比利卡 Liberica

利比利卡是一种身形修长且相对大颗的咖啡豆，源自于西非地区，现在多在马来西亚等东南亚地区种植。利比利卡的香气非常浓郁，咖啡豆闻起来香气甜美像东南亚的热带水果菠萝蜜，而手冲起来味道就不那么美妙…利比利卡咖啡会伴随着橡胶、塑料、烟熏木头混合着热带水果酒/菠萝蜜的风味，精品咖啡客群可能会觉得难以忍受。

阿拉比卡 Arabica

阿拉比卡是精品咖啡客群主要选择的种类，咖啡因含量相对较低，主要在非洲跟南美洲等地方种植。现在人们会对 Arabica 分类下的豆子做很多杂交，以后细分的豆种只会越来越多。

• 埃塞那边有原生种 Heirloom 我们经常看到 Sidama 74158/ Yirgacheffe 74112 / Rumudamo 74110这些地区+数字编号的格式，这些数字都什么意思呢？埃塞俄比亚政府在上世纪70年代为了提高咖啡豆产量去培育一些抗咖啡病虫的品种，这些数字都是当时栽培的品种编码，也就是说74112/74110/74158也都是埃塞本地的咖啡豆，只是它们的树形不同。
  
• 瑰夏，Gesha 现在手冲精品咖啡客群会认为最优雅的咖啡。发源地其实在埃塞，最早的瑰夏似乎种植在埃塞南部的卡法森林，因为它不抗虫害且在埃塞本地种植的味道平平无奇，咖农都不会去种植瑰夏。过了70年后的千禧年初，巴拿马的翡翠庄园引用了从哥斯达黎加带过来的瑰夏种，拿到了当时的 BOP (best of Panama)大赛冠军，瑰夏开始出名了。在所有咖啡里来说，瑰夏酸度较高，酸质更好，饮用起来风味也相对更优雅。
  
• 波旁种 Bourbon，分别有：粉波旁/黄波旁/红波旁/尖身波旁等 除了粉波旁，其他波旁种是法国传教士把它从也门引入到留尼汪岛（以前叫波旁岛），1860年，波旁种再被引入巴西，从巴西传播到中美洲南美洲。 粉波旁原本也是一支埃塞原生种，后来在哥伦比亚种植有比较优秀的结果，咖啡风味表现不错。 其他的波旁种我个人认为风味表现一般，而粉波旁喝起来酸甜平衡，甜感扎实，容易出一杯甜感高余韵长、舒适好喝的咖啡。
• 铁皮卡 Typica 是一种比较能抗病害的咖啡品种。埃塞原生种在15/16世纪左右被带到也门种植，17世纪这些品种的种子被带到印尼爪哇，20世纪左右，南美和中美的大部分咖啡种植园都种植了铁皮卡，现在仍广泛种植于秘鲁、多米尼加和牙买加，在牙买加出来了大名鼎鼎的蓝山咖啡。（提醒：即使是中浅烘的蓝山咖啡，能够出来花香、柑橘调、橘皮风味，它仍然是苦的。如果是巴拿马的产区种植铁皮卡我会购买尝试，但如果是别的地方例如哥伦蓝山等等地方种植的铁皮卡，我不会去购买。仅是个人意见。） *卡杜艾、卡杜拉 Catuai/Caturra 卡杜艾/卡杜拉是非常相似的品种。卡杜艾是巴西的农业研究所把卡杜拉和其他品种杂交而成的一个品种，喝着味道个人感觉差别不大，都有风味瑕疵，比如土味。当然风味瑕疵这种也是见仁见智，可能别人喝着没有呢。
• 帕卡马拉 Pacamara 帕卡斯 Pacas +象豆 Maragogipe 杂交出来的品种，出自于萨尔瓦多的品种。豆形大，烘焙有难度，帕卡马拉烘焙容易翻车，个人建议谨慎购买。我对它的刻板印象是极其容易出热带水果风味，比如百香果/凤梨/恐龙果/熟李子/甜熟的紫葡萄/莓果风味，尾韵经常带黑巧调性，如果喜欢果味跟重黑巧味的可以试试。但是最近有喝到优雅不输瑰夏的帕卡马拉，喝起来总体居然不大像以往的 Paca, 所以也一改此前的印象，感觉是有潜力的豆子。但是购买判断难度高，新手可以尝尝鲜，但不是很有必要为了一只好喝的帕卡去购买许多。
• 帕拉伊内玛 Parainema 源自于洪都拉斯的帕拉伊内玛是一种硬度非常高的豆子，跟帕卡那些都是南美农业研究所培育的新品种。好不好喝要看今年庄园收成。说到底咖啡就是苹果梨子这样的农作物，今年好吃不等于明年也好吃，都是看天吃饭。题外话，去年就喝到 ONA 一只很好的月桂庄园的水洗帕拉，非常清新的白桃绿茶秋月梨味，做冷萃是轻柔的可可跟桃子绿茶，很好喝，可惜风味滑坡以后，就是洪都拉斯产区常见的一股根茎味，随之而来的还有焦糖味，变普了。
• Kenya本地原生的品种：SL28, SL34, Ruiru 11, Batian。最常见的都是这四个品种拼一起出现。肯尼亚产地的咖啡前几年喝着酸度比较高，有种说法是前两年肯尼亚战乱，种植品质跟产量都严重下滑，导致咖啡品质较低，未熟果非红果容易出番茄味道，好生豆都被国外拿完，国内的生豆和烘焙商开始宣称肯尼亚标志的小番茄风味。但对于我这种重口味的爱好者而言，就是喜欢肯尼亚里面有番茄/圣女果味。另一种说法是，国内近两年烘焙风格都往发展比较足的方向去走，咖啡豆烘焙的时候焦糖化反应较多，发展比较足意味着甜感做得比较高，咖啡豆里的水果风味被锁住了出不来，但是采用上机的方式往往又能出来番茄/山楂/乌梅味。我只是一个终端的消费者而非生产链上的生豆商、烘豆师，因此也无法肯定哪种说法正确。但总的来讲，近几年肯尼亚咖啡越来越甜，尤其今年是肯尼亚咖啡收成的大年，或许对其他喜欢在咖啡里找甜味的爱好者来说是件好事吧。

---

咖啡处理方式

---

传统处理

• 水洗（观察豆子就可以发现，豆子品相如果银皮比较多，通常是水洗。银皮比较少，豆表颜色较深，有可能是发酵程度高的特殊处理or日晒）
• 日晒

特殊处理

• 厌氧发酵为代表的各种特殊处理现在五花八门，特殊处理是从2015年开始盛行的，当年 WBC 大赛中澳洲人 Sasa Sestic 拿一只厌氧处理的豆子夺得了冠军，从那开始就开始流行厌氧处理。 只要不是日晒水洗这两类传统处理，其他处理法我们统称特殊处理。

• 蜜处理 蜜处理有分白蜜/黄蜜/红蜜/黑蜜，Coffee cherry 外表有层果胶包裹着豆子，人们按果胶保留的比例不同来划分等级。白蜜保留了果胶的10%，黑蜜则保留了100%。蜜处理等于日晒与水洗的折中，划分等级有点像茶类的区分，简单粗暴来说，蜜处理等级“颜色”越深，咖啡的发酵程度越高。

• 香精豆 有的是在生豆环节添加香精，有的是在烘豆环节添加香精。添加香精的咖啡豆的风味非常稳定，风味基本都不会变。正常来说不添加人工化合物的咖啡豆风味是会产生变化的，有可能变好也有可能变差，不可能长期保留稳定的同一个风味；可能你上次喝到的喜欢的味道，下一次就喝不到了，发展出新的变化。所以开袋闻豆子的味道（香精豆的味道其实相当人工，大多数白桃乌龙闻起来超级泡泡糖，雪莉豆闻起来则非常香草冰激凌）、磨了豆出来的干香、冲煮开始后的湿香跟这只咖啡喝起来的整体味道是不是从头到尾都没发生变化，主轴的风味是否异常稳定，是判断一个豆子是否添加了香精的重要依据。

• 酒桶发酵 酒桶发酵处理法绝大多数时候是现在卖雪莉的豆商的一块遮羞布。 不是说没有真的酒桶发酵处理法。有。只是非常少，很久以前星巴克有小范围售卖过真正的酒桶发酵处理的手冲豆，但是真的用威士忌桶发酵出来的咖啡豆成本太高昂了，做不到大批量制造贩售。
  ——豆子是否能出来红酒风味？可以的，厌氧等高发酵程度的特殊处理可以做到这种风味呈现。 但问题是，不是你宣称你咖啡生豆是与水蜜桃一起进行发酵，就能够出水蜜桃风味。 云南的炬点咖啡有做过相关实验，生豆发酵扔草莓/菠萝/苹果等天然原材料进去，出来的豆子风味并没有match原材料的味道，出来相应的草莓菠萝苹果味。 B站 up 主暴躁的马锤锤倒是做过打假视频，有讲在烘豆环节添加香精，出来就是跟市场上的雪莉/白桃乌龙一模一样的味道。 做实验得出已知：生豆发酵加草莓并不出草莓味，加苹果进去并不出苹果味，那么问题来了，为什么豆子进酒桶发酵一圈，能出来朗姆酒威士忌味道呢？ 扔A物质进去出来A物质的味道，只有化工物质能做到，天然原材料做不到。 酵素处理一般是香精的遮羞布。酵母处理则可能不是。

说豆子有酒类的风味，一个是咖啡豆的发酵程度高，其实闻豆子就能闻出来有发酵味。 咖啡豆的发酵程度一高，就容易出来风味直白、具象清晰且爆炸的味道。对于刚入门的人而言，在咖啡里捕捉紫葡萄菠萝芒果这类甜感高的热带水果风味vs在咖啡里捕捉橙花佛手柑绿茶这些味道，哪个比较容易？当然是前者相对更容易。发酵程度高，很容易出热带水果的味道，甜感也比较足，喝起来香又甜，因此刚入门应该都会喜欢特殊处理的咖啡。比热带水果更甜那这只咖啡风味大概率会走向酒味的方向去了，有的厌氧豆喝起来很像桑格利亚（西班牙的水果鸡尾酒），也不失为有意思的体验。还有的咖啡喝起来有红酒那样的感觉，因为它喝着很醇厚，有着红酒那样扎实醇厚的 body, 因此我们描述它有酒感很 winey.

---

咖啡风味

甜

关于甜味，直接就去喝洪都拉斯雪莉。我跟你保证那个就非常甜。香草冰激凌/朗姆酒/杏仁的味道。那个就很甜很具象。

糖类

• 糖类的话像黑糖（也就是红糖黄糖）蔗糖（=白糖）冰糖这些。黑糖嘛，黑糖就是很醇厚的糖呀。我个人理解是醇厚的口感跟吞咽以后在喉腔里停留着类似于糖浆那样的触感，让你觉得这回甘很醇厚，kenya最容易出现小番茄跟黑糖风味，酸转甜非常快，但并不是所有的kenya都很酸，有的kenya因为酸转甜实在太快，呈现出来就你甚至感受不到酸，上来就喝到番薯一样甜。
• 冰糖是非常轻柔干净的，吞咽下去觉得口腔里的回甘余韵都让你觉得没有负担，没有黑糖那么霸道（黑糖甜感经常让我觉得很口渴想要喝水）。

• 蔗糖甜感很简单，自己去厨房调杯白糖水喝了去感受。

  番薯甜

• 番薯甜……番薯是一种根茎类植物。Kenya的本土风味，就是小番茄（强酸）、根茎类植物（番薯风味就属于其中一种表现）、黑糖（酸转甜）。

  奶油甜

• 奶油、焦糖甜、太妃甜，这种在甜品烘焙室就能闻到、喝到的味道，一种暖烘烘的烘焙甜味。实话实说，我最讨厌这种焦糖甜跟太妃糖甜了，我觉得它们很不natural不过大多数人喝着都喜欢吧，毕竟刚入门大家都喜欢来点甜的，我刚开始喝酒的时候也得来点甜甜的酒。

酸

• 柠檬酸是酸转甜，苹果酸本身就是酸甜，可以自己区分下究竟是酸转甜还是酸甜一起出现的。酸质像柠檬但比柠檬弱。理解成柔和的酸就可。
• 小番茄是比较明亮的酸质，喝sidama如果觉着不明显你可以喝kenya试试。kenya咖啡经常带有小番茄、根茎这类的本土风味，Kenya咖啡酸度比较高（不一定全部都是），喝Kenya比较容易感知到小番茄的风味。
• 莓果没啥好说的啦hhh老白吃水果的时候感受下水果与水果的区别 ，记住水果的风味，多吃natural的东西，少吃调味重的东西。

苦

• 出现苦味有可能是过萃了

果味

• 桃子，，，我只能说，如果你看到原产地是安娜索拉，而咖啡豆名字带白桃乌龙/桃子乌龙这些描述，就，我不推荐你买。但是你实在好奇你可以自己尝一尝，通常开袋就一股子超市里卖的泡泡糖的味道，不用怀疑，是用了香精才能做到的。（洪都拉斯雪莉也是这样的） 我只能说，桃子乌龙/安娜索拉出来的咖啡，桃子的风味肯定有，桃子的味道也很具象，那是那是假的桃子，一杯没有没有添加香精的咖啡里不会出现那么夸张的味道，真正的桃子香气不会非常夸张，是很温和的一种低甜风味。桃子的风味就是……唔，现在国内也是蜜桃的季节吧？可以买一个桃子回去仔细吃果肉感受。我也没法描述桃子这种flavour最准确的感觉是什么，但桃子果肉的味道是很温柔的。 桃子的味道就是甜，不过我个人觉得桃子这种风味在咖啡里出现，是很低调温柔、隐秘的甜。

茶感

• 茶感……茶感有分绿茶跟红茶。绿茶容易发涩，红茶稍微醇厚些。对了，最近喝的埃塞如目达摩这个地块的水洗/日晒豆都具备很强的红茶风味，很像一只茶味很重、很鲜亮的大吉岭茶。

---

咖啡香气

花香

花香我认为还是蛮容易感知到的，豆子从开袋、磨粉到咖啡液体出来，每个环节都有香气哒，去辨别每个环节里的香气，诚实记录是怎样的气味，努力去描述你的感受。

柑橘香

佛手柑你暂且可以理解成一种散发着清香、非常柔和的酸质。你去过水果市场吗？或者说家里/认识的人家里比较信佛信道，还会拿鲜花水果来供奉的，佛手柑是常用的供奉水果，会有很特别类似柠檬/香茅的怡人清香。

---

咖啡储存

开袋后的豆子最好还是尽快喝
如果一个月喝不完就比较危险…风味会滑坡的
如果真的一个月没法喝完，建议尽量少开袋，减少风味流失
不要打开豆袋让阳光直射咖啡豆哦
也不要让豆子受潮（所以会有个说法忌讳阴雨天开豆）
如果觉得豆子非常新鲜风味还未展现出来，每次磨好豆先放个十分钟左右再进行冲煮

---

品鉴指南

不要上来就去喝巴拿马，现在你们的味觉感知还没有那么灵敏，打比方说这是一场接球游戏，没有经历过训练的选手喝巴拿马类似于上来就做hard training, 那你就在球场上不停不停miss，你也没有任何乐趣可言。先喝点口粮就好了。

Pieces I definitely do not see discussed enough.

Chopin: Nocturne Op.55 No.2 in E-flat Major (Pogorelich)

“Chopin's most richly contrapuntal nocturne, played with some truly daring (but nevertheless persuasive) tempo fluctuations and surprising intimacy by Ivo Pogorelich.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTvfpwAGMHs

Arrau plays Liszt 'Les jeux d'eaux à la Villa d'Este' (rec.1969)

“This borders on impressionism. A number of Liszt's later works drifted towards a more interpretive style breaking from the Romantic mould to foreshadow the style of composers such as Debussy, Poulenc, and Ravel.” – @kyotokid4 “The music is not a musical depiction of the fountains there, but rather a reflection on the biblical verse “he who drinks of these waters shall have eternal life” that the fountains inspired.” – @edwardbak4459 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CWN18ZoqzGs

Bach/Liszt – Prelude & Fugue in A Minor, BWV 543 ; Marta Czech

“The ending . . . sounds like the end of the world, it's terrifying!” – [r/bach] “The prelude is a massive, dramatic thing with a weighty, chromatically descending subject, made all the weightier when it is thrust into the pedals midway through the piece. A master organist can shape this into one of the most compelling of all Bach's fugue introductions. At the end of the fugue itself there is an electrifying passage of freewheeling, utterly unfugal organ virtuosity.” – Blair Johnston https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TAY2jfZqU8M

Beethoven: Sonata No.31 in A-flat Major (Ashkenazy)

“In none of the other 31 piano sonatas does Beethoven cover as much emotional territory: it goes from the absolute depths of despair to utter euphoria ... it is unbelievably compact given its emotional richness, and its philosophical opening idea acts as the work’s thesis statement, permeating the work, and reaching its apotheosis in its final moments.” – Jonathan Biss https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0eqDzMxQjx0

Honourable Mention🎖️

J.S.Bach BWV 1031 Siciliano by YunchanLim at Verbier https://www.bilibili.com/video/BV1x2eke3Ecy

ladies and gentlemen here we go - let's dive deep into the iceberg

~~~

0. Palate cleanser🍸 *allowing one to more accurately assess a new flavor

---

1. the dark web🕸

*require specific software, configurations, or authorization to access.

---

1b. the dead end 🚧 *glowing eyes lurking in the dark

---

2. interchange station 🛤 *“endlessly transmute fragments of sensory chaos into beautiful mosaics”

---

3. eternal peace☁︎⋆｡°·☁︎‧₊˚

elegy, “like the texture of a flower petal”

---

4. lavender field‧₊˚❀༉‧₊˚. ❀ ✿ 𖤣…

“The story is of a harmonic witch who turns herself into sound and can't find her way back — ultimately accepting her fate in Forever.”

---

What's next? 31-EDO Music Theory: Basic Triads – https://youtu.be/7cv-nuSjbY4 Xenharmonic Wiki – https://en.xen.wiki Lumatone keyboard – https://www.youtube.com/@lumatone Microtonal iceberg meme – https://www.reddit.com/r/microtonal/comments/nfvyi9/xenharmonic_iceberg

Affective Musical Key Characteristics https://wmich.edu/mus-theo/courses/keys.html

The Piano's Ivory Cage https://wmich.edu/mus-theo/groven/ivorycage.html

https://www.musikipedia.dk/dokumenter/boeger/pauer-music.pdf

Works By Difficulty https://www.pianolibrary.org/composers/bach/works-editions/

There are women and there are goddesses.

1. Jiyeong Mun | J. S. Bach – Chromatic Fantasy & Fugue, BWV903 🎹
2. Ilva Eigus | Ysaÿe - Sonata for Violin Solo Op.27 No.4 "Fritz Kreisler" 🎻
3. Anastasia Rizikov | Prokofiev - Sonata No. 2 in D minor, Op. 14 🎹
4. Marta Czech | J. S. Bach - Kunst der Fuge , BWV 1080 🎹
5. Chloe Chua | Ysaÿe - Sonata in D minor, Ballade, Op. 27, No. 3 🎻
6. Clara Haskil | J. S. Bach - Bach Toccata in E minor, BWV 914 🎹
7. Sayaka Shoji with the Israel Philharmonic Orchestra / Sibelius Violin Concerto 🎻
8. Hilary Hahn | J.S. Bach - Sonata for Violin Solo No. 2 in A Minor, BWV 1003 - II. Fuga 🎻
9. Nikol Bóková | César Franck – Prélude, Choral et Fugue 🎹
10. Polina Churbanova | Dmitri Shostakovich - Prelude and Fugue No. 24 in D minor 🎹

피아니스트 문지영 🎹 J. S. Bach – Chromatic Fantasy & Fugue, BWV903

Chloe Jiyeong Mun is a South Korean classical pianist. She drew international attention when she won the Geneva International Competition in Switzerland in 2014 and then the Busoni International Competition in 2015 consecutively. Jörg Demus, the president of the 60th International Busoni Competition jury praised that, “I have rediscovered in her a naturalness of musicality that I thought had disappeared.”   https://youtu.be/2zzdYvRkenE?si=JIV7hRjDDcv6DaB0

Ilva Eigus 🎻 Ysaÿe Sonata for Violin Solo Op.27 No.4 “Fritz Kreisler”

Recognized for her outstanding talent in chamber music, Swiss musician Ilva Eigus has won the hearts of classical music lovers. Fans are taken to a world of melodic wonder with Eigus's performances because of his superb technique and poignant touch. Eigus is a specialist in her profession with extensive knowledge of the subtleties and complexities of classical music. Her skill on the violin and her ability to emote with every note make for an engrossing listening experience. Eigus's talent is evident whether she performs alone or with an ensemble, enthralling audiences with her nuanced phrasing and emotive interpretations. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OHPqJNUOxHs

Anastasia Rizikov 🎹 Prokofiev- Sonata No. 2 in D minor, Op. 14

“FIERY, SPONTANEOUS, BRILLIANT...” ...concert goers typically use these adjectives to describe Canadian 22 year-old phenomena Anastasia Rizikov. Her unpredictable, passionate playing has awed concertgoers worldwide, some musicians even comparing her to the great Martha Argerich. With numerous competition triumphs under her belt, Rizikov's impressive reputation has taken her to some of the most prestigious concert halls and festivals, and has earned her appearances with the world's most renowned orchestras. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2M_nIUr_xM

Marta Czech 🎹 J. S. Bach – Kunst der Fuge, BWV 1080

Marta Czech is a Polish classical pianist, born on November 25, 1998 in Wodzisław Śląski. She is a winner of 49 IJMC in Belgrade. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p1Sq1HOYglU&t=1640s

Chloe Chua 🎻 Ysaÿe : Sonata in D minor, Ballade, Op. 27, No. 3

Chloe Chua is a Singaporean violinist. She is the first prize winner in the Junior division of the 2018 Yehudi Menuhin International Competition for Young Violinists alongside Christian Li, and also the winner of the 24th Andrea Postacchini International Violin Competition in Category A. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-klnOLb_VBQ

Clara Haskil 🎹 Bach Toccata in E minor BWV 914

Clara Haskil was a Romanian classical pianist, renowned as an interpreter of the classical and early romantic repertoire. She was particularly noted for her performances and recordings of Mozart. She was also a noted interpreter of Beethoven, Schumann, and Scarlatti. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qNx-jc6B8mo

Sayaka Shoji with the Israel Philharmonic Orchestra 🎻 Sibelius Violin Concerto

“Shoji isn’t merely a superb technician, she’s a deeply engaging performer” (Gramophone Magazine). Sayaka Shoji has become internationally recognised for her unique artistic versatility and detailed approach to her chosen repertoire. Her remarkable insight into musical languages comes from her mix of European and Japanese backgrounds. Born in Tokyo, Shoji moved to Siena, Italy when she was three. She studied at Accademia Musicale Chigiana and Cologne’s Musikhochschule and made her European debut with Lucerne Festival Strings and Rudolf Baumgartner at the Lucerne Festival and then at the Musikverein, Vienna at the age of fourteen. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d388O4WxOD4

Hilary Hahn 🎻 J.S. Bach: Sonata for Violin Solo No. 2 in A Minor, BWV 1003 – 2. Fuga

For all the appreciable virtues offered by recent contenders in the Bach Sonatas and Partitas field, I cannot think of a single performer who begins to compare with Hilary Hahn. This is quite simply magnificent violin-playing, the sort that while you’re listening to it convinces you that the music couldn’t possibly be played any other way. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dbYO_9RYBvc

Nikol Bóková 🎹 César Franck – Prélude, Choral et Fugue

Nikol Bóková is a musician dedicated to many genres of music. She particularly works as a performer of classical music. Her repertoire ranges from Baroque to contemporary music but the 19th and 20th Century periods are a primary focus. At the same time, she is an extraordinary author of her own, unique music. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjSv8_5NJc0

Polina Churbanova 🎹 Prelude and Fugue No. 24 in D minor – Dmitri Shostakovich

The piano duo of Anastasia and Polina Churbanova was founded at the beginning of their musical careers, when the twin sisters began their first piano lessons at the age of six in their hometown of St. Petersburg. Since childhood, the twins have been intensively involved in composition and improvisation. At the age of six, they wrote their first joint composition, inspired by J. R. R. Tolkien's children's book “The Hobbit”. At the age of seven, they took part in their first international piano duo competition “Brother and Sister” (St. Petersburg). In 2003, the duo won first prize at the international piano competition “Miniature in Russian music” (St. Petersburg). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4NWr1eWTe5o

我像一个地缚灵，无法出走，就为每一个迷失者带路。或者是泥潭里的乌龟，爬不出去，但是有人掉下来的时候，我说我知道哪里危险，咱们这样办吧，踩着我的壳走过去罢。 我刚想到，是不是除了厌食症和精神分裂之外，精神病我快都得了一遍。打开神经性厌食症的词条，原来分为限制型和清除型，前者并不会有经常催吐的行为，也没有严重的体型焦虑，食量很小或者很抗拒食用某类食物。有的患者会过度锻炼。那我是了，轻度的那种吧。 我以为医生询问我母亲的精神状况，是想确认我妈妈是否有在谱系上的可能，所以很兴奋地说了，是的，我找到过她年轻时的信件和日记，确实很难过。但医生却说：有的谱系不是真正的谱系，而是母亲在孕期出现的精神状况影响到了孩子。 我再一次，没有预料到结果，或许那个泡泡已经碎过太多次，我来不及感到悲伤，反而怔怔地想：啊，原来是这样吗。我感到我仿佛接受了这句话，又像是什么都没想，十分茫然，就只能接受这片空白中唯一存在的观点。 去检查科的路上，我才猛地想起李姑娘，粒粒，想起孤独症并不是因为母亲“照顾不周”或者孕期意外而造成的，这不是任何一位母亲的错。所以什么叫“不是真正的谱系”呢？我不理解，是就是，而且我大概率是。那这不是因为我母亲产后抑郁造成的。为什么要把我单独拎出来呢？也许从开头，听到“就算是，你也肯定是高功能的”，我就该猜到这个结局，但我期待着如果是这样也不错呢？起码是一个诊断诶。但是没有。这次的结论是我有严重的强迫行为。依我说，如果我就是谱系呢？我是在这个特殊的神经系统里伴生的强迫呢？ 但我没有争论。我按照前天设想的那样，坐在候诊位上，在子弹笔记本上一一回答自己的疑问。我希望这样能平静下来，我也能感受到医生很善意，起码在我说出“可能是孤独症”的时候没有任何质疑、不悦的表现。大概三点多做完检查，之后一个小时，或者还不到——因为我停下来哭了几次，也没有仔细看过时间，我写了两页纸，现在估算一下是一千五百多字。我从未在任何一场作文考试中有这样的“高效”，但这并不是冷冰冰的效率或思想深、表达好，而是溃堤的，经年累月的想法和情绪。我以一种另类的方式嚎啕大哭，倾泻痛苦，如果有人要说这就是写作能力，那好吧，ta说了算。 纷乱的想法被固定出来，果然平静了一些，我下笔有时跑偏，意识到了之后又拉回来，最终越想越清楚。我不是执着于一个标签，但我承认我确实想要，因为我想用这个身份说话。不是为了希望渺茫的“名气”，起码，我能够毫无愧疚地说这是我的体验和表达，而不是我“借用某个群体”来创作（我看到“星星的孩子”和“艺术”，真的会觉得很恶心很生气，作者，你知道你在说什么吗？） “你是可以创作的人诶！”朋友的那句话，断断续续地在我脑海里响起，最终变成一个凝实的声音：如果我的，我们的声音不被重视，那我就该继续说，更大声地说，在更高的地方说，更有效率地说。我能拿笔，这已是一件幸事，我可以有影响力。我还好好地站着并不是一种罪过，也不是证明我“功能完好就是有点疑心病”的铁证，这是运气，也是能力，让我可以为倒下的人，音量不够大的人说话。 虽然现在我依然籍籍无名，但我总有一天会做到的。我从来没有哪一刻，对生活如此肯定，并且没有不切实际的亢奋与战栗，我很平静，视线沿着窗外的树冠攀至顶端，然后默念：First, an artist; then, a scientist. If I'm not an expert, so what? Why not be an expert. 我想好了，如果我不是，如果我永远得不到诊断——因为假若我确实不是谱系人，那又怎么样呢？我依然可以用所学去帮助他人，典型、非典型，我都能理解，我可以成为一个更好的治疗师（希望如此）。我得不到谅解，甚至因为决定“攀登”，更努力地“康复”（其实是成长），被宽恕的可能性更渺茫了——那就没有吧，我要做事的前提就是状态好，所以认下一些偏见也无妨。 虽然，我依然对于，“需要努力做到什么，才能有所改变，有话语权”这件事，感到不公平，所以我绝对不会劝任何人一起“往前看”。这只是我的决定，但我做这件事，就是为了改变这个状况，我希望“自辩”的压力越来越小——甚至于没有，人们的认知越来越丰富包容，支持系统更完善。我有余力，那就做吧，但这绝不能是强加于谱系人身上的任务。 若我将永驻幽冥，那么，在忘川河上摆渡也不错，对吧？