“Oh, the welts of your scorn, my love, give me more
Send whips of opinion down my back, give me more”
“i'm not afraid to die ...but she cries to the clicking of time”
“i love you, but i'm afraid to love you”
“All my riches for her smiles when I slept so soft against her”
“my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder / she's the tear that hangs inside my soul forever” (=Her face is the very tear that hangs in my throat forever)
“she was heartache from the moment that you met her / my heart is frozen still as i try to find the will to forget her somehow”
“Welcome down to paradise rock.
There is no single entrance
There's no stars to revolve around
There is no real underground.
You're a slave to it all, now.”
“I could kiss you with lines of escape in my mouth”
“I am your failed husband contender
I'm your loan shark of bliss”
“And in the half-light where we both stand
This is the half-light, you see me as I am”
“Just like the ocean, always in love with the moon”
“I am a railroad track abandoned
With the sunset forgetting I ever happened
That I ever happened”
“Your rube is young and handsome
So new to your bedroom floor
You know damn well where you'll go” (=I'll be)
“You had so much to give
You thought I couldn't see” (=I thought I could receive)
“As each song unravels, it fills you with a desperation that sucks at the heart, and puts sparks in the eyes. It moves through the blood and makes the veins glow. It crackles across the skin and leaves scorch marks. Imagine if you could actually sing the sound of all hope leaving. Imagine if you knew the syllables of falling in love. If you had fingers that could coax a guitar to sound like the sun in your lover’s eyes, the smell of hot skin, the taste of their throat.”
I can't forget it
Though I've tried
I know you regret it, love
You told me so many times
But I still wonder
Why
You left with her
And left me behind
Take your hands off him
'Cause he's the only one that I have ever loved
And please don't find her skin
When you turn the lights off
I can't erase it
From my mind
I just replay it, love
Think of it all of the time
But I don't want to imagine
Words you spoke to her that night
Naked bodies look like porcelain
You both knew I'd be bleeding inside
Did she make your heart beat faster than I could?
Did she give you what you hoped for?
Oh nights of loveless love, I hope it made you feel good
Knowing how much I adored you
(You're making me sick, love)
39:54 – ...just gave me such a feeling of his vulnerability and I just felt like I just wanted to protect him so much, I mean that's the feeling he evoked from me . . . I don't know, thinking of about it is kind of making me tear up he just felt like he needed protection.
1:11:49 – I increasingly felt like, as I knew him, that his origin story overwhelmed his current life to certain degree that he was kind of living out a predestined existence...
1:12:47 – He was always insecure, he was always angry about that abandonment from his father. You know, Jeff lived in a state of perpetually feeling he was unloved ...and it was awful to see that. It didn't matter how much you loved him or whether you fell in love with him or tried to love him.
He leaned forward, looking pained. “Are you going to die on me?” he asked, choking up. And then he asked me what he really wanted to know: “Are you going to leave me like everybody does?”
What Jeff wanted and what he needed were two different things. On one level he had to control everybody; on another he didn’t respect you if you didn’t stand up to him and fight back when he bullied you.
He kissed her goodbye, and I saw a look on her face I would come to recognize on the faces of people who had an intimate encounter with Jeff—a look both besotted and bereft as he walked out of their lives. I bundled him into his room. I was furious.
When you’re intimate with somebody, you can only really know yourself through them. If there’s some kind of malice in the eyes through which you know yourself, if there’s something unresolved, that can be painful.”
“Well, there’s something he’d like to tell you,” she said. “He didn’t mean to do it, but he didn’t fight it. And he also says he’s happy, everything’s fine, he’s in a good place, and he doesn’t blame you for anything, and he wants you to move on.”
And, finally freed from the weight of my time with Jeff, I pondered why we had put ourselves through it all. A warm autumn rain started to fall on me, and I realized I already knew the answer. I heard Jeff saying it one last time: “It’s about the music, stupid.”
During the writing process, Smith had difficulty “find[ing] the right imagery” for the lyrics to “Alone”, ultimately finding inspiration from the Ernest Dowson poem “Dregs”.
The fire is out, and spent the warmth thereof,
(This is the end of every song man sings!)
The golden wine is drunk, the dregs remain,
Bitter as wormwood and as salt as pain;
And health and hope have gone the way of love
Into the drear oblivion of lost things.
Ghosts go along with us until the end;
This was a mistress, this, perhaps, a friend.
With pale, indifferent eyes, we sit and wait
For the dropped curtain and the closing gate:
This is the end of all the songs man sings.
“Death doesn't exist. It never did, it never will. But we've drawn so many pictures of it, so many years, trying to pin it down, comprehend it, we've got to thinking of it as an entity, strangely alive and greedy. All it is, however, is a stopped watch, a loss, an end, a darkness. Nothing.”
♫ Disintegration
“I fucking hate Royalty. Any kind of hereditary privilege is just wrong. It’s not just anti-democracy, it’s just inherently wrong. What upsets me is that some people who I’ve actually admired down the years get offered a reward by the Royal Family, by the hereditary monarchy, and they take it. They become Lord or Sir.
“I would honestly cut off my own hands before I [accepted an honour]. Because how dare they presume that they could give me an honour. I’m much better than them. They’ve never done anything, they’re fucking idiots. I should be King.”
The Cure Live – 1989-06-04 Palazzo dello Sport, Rome, Italy
A good recording (although not as bassy as I would prefer) in front of a very passionate Italian crowd, almost every song off Disintegration features amidst two and a half hours a music. The crown of this show, though, is the closer – Robert dedicates it to “everyone who died in China today”, referencing the Tiananmen Square massacre that had happened just hours prior, and so unleashes a long, passionate, and moving version of 'Faith'.
And so we watch the sun come up
From the edge of the deep green sea
And she listens like her head's on fire
Like she wants to believe in me
One more day like today and I'll kill you
A desire for flesh and real blood
And I'll watch you drown in the shower
Push my life through your open eyes
And I'm starting to laugh
Like an animal in pain
I say I'm loving you to death
Like I'm losing my breath
It makes me bite my fingers through
To think I could've let you go
It makes me pull my hair all out
To think I could've let you leave
Liz: London / flower / gift / treasure = jewel / gold / star / light / woman = lady / steal = thieves / purity / shame / friend / fail
And though the meaning fits
There's no relief in this (Morning Theft)
it's stupid all the words fit together
where now is nothing
why did you have to bring us together,
under such dirty circumstance? (Let's Bomb the Moonlight)
Love, love is a verb
Love is a doing word
Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath
Night, night of matter
Black flowers blossom
Water is my eye
Most faithful mirror
You're stumbling down
♫ Morning Theft | Vancouver | Jewel Box | Thousand Fold | Opened Once
spring water on the floor of this
sex starved room
the nightmare's fires burn
the waves of bliss
(Mood Swing Whiskey)
♫ Nightmares By The Sea 🔥
❤️
“He made you feel as if he understood you completely.” (Rebecca Moore)
“To meet Jeffrey was just like being given a set of paints...I had all this colour in my life again.” (Liz Fraser)
“Suddenly, I felt so happy. And that’s how it was with Jeff. Somehow he was that mirror, always reflecting back the love inside you.” (Brenda Kahn)
“When you get attention from someone like that, you feel like a queen.” (Joan Wasser)
💔
“im trying to come clean but I feel so lost in this cloud of songs that you left me.” (Rebecca)
“I'm just not penetrating this Jeff Buckley boy at all...felt like a groupie or something sometimes. I mean can you imagine? Everybody wanted something from him” (Liz)
“A state of perpetually feeling he was unloved...and it was awful to see that. It didn't matter how much you loved him or whether you fell in love with him or tried to love him.” (Merri)
“Good luck figuring him out.” (Joan)
Rebecca Moore
‘I really loved Jeff,’ she wrote. ‘He was pretty much my first really deep connection and friendship, and it was a revelation when we met. It taught me that there was happiness and support out there. He was so unbelievably funny; he had such a supreme grasp of the comic and the tragic. It was a surreal and magical few years in my life.’
‘I did the best I could, the absolute best – and I know he did too – to weather the intense and truly emotionally brutal world of the major label recording industry,’ Rebecca Moore wrote to me. ‘I don’t think people can possibly understand, unless they go through it, how dark that world can be; how much and how quickly it takes over and causes everything to change if you don’t have an impossibly calloused armadillo skin. Part of it is cliché, but part of it is so much more dark than anyone can imagine. Both of us were way too incredibly naive, innocent, green and ultra-sensitive to withstand it or navigate it, despite our best efforts, because the industry thrives on manipulation and control; it is truly about exploiting the artist’s vulnerability.’
A Pure Drop: The Life of Jeff Buckley
Brenda Kahn
“Just after Jeff died, I had an amazing dream..I dreamt I was in his apartment. It was dark and as my eyes adjusted I began to see all the ordinary things of life, of Jeff’s life, in the room..shirts hung over the back of a chair, books everywhere, some opened, some written on, papers on the bed, pictures on the walls..I walked through this room and into another smaller room. On a little dresser against the wall, there was an old-style child’s music box, the kind with a ballerina that turns around in front of a little mirror. I opened the box, and there was no ballerina, but instead in the mirror there was the word LOVE written in seventies bubble letters. After a moment i realized the word was backwards, as if I were LOVE being reflected in the mirror. Suddenly, I felt so happy. And that’s how it was with Jeff. Somehow he was that mirror, always reflecting back the love inside you…”
A Wished-For Song: A Portrait of Jeff Buckley
Merri Cyr
From my perspective, it seemed he felt desperately unloved. He would push love away and at the same time say, ‘Give it to me. Go away, then come back.’ What Jeff wanted and what he needed were two different things. On one level he had to control everybody; on another he didn’t respect you if you didn’t stand up to him and fight back when he bullied you.
“I don’t know about him with other people, but my relationship with him felt familial, though there was also a sexual aspect to it. We had similar backgrounds, lower middle class; neither of us knew our fathers. We had similar father abandonment, crazy mother issues, weird family stuff. Sex can be just two kids hanging out, fooling around; it wasn’t the main thing. It was like it had no context.
“I wanted to do my photography. Jeff was being respectful to me and very helpful and supportive, and that was the best gift he gave me. He was so generous on one level and so broken on another. On the road, I definitely got pulled into his orbit. That was really tough for me.
帕拉伊内玛 Parainema
源自于洪都拉斯的帕拉伊内玛是一种硬度非常高的豆子，跟帕卡那些都是南美农业研究所培育的新品种。好不好喝要看今年庄园收成。说到底咖啡就是苹果梨子这样的农作物，今年好吃不等于明年也好吃，都是看天吃饭。题外话，去年就喝到 ONA 一只很好的月桂庄园的水洗帕拉，非常清新的白桃绿茶秋月梨味，做冷萃是轻柔的可可跟桃子绿茶，很好喝，可惜风味滑坡以后，就是洪都拉斯产区常见的一股根茎味，随之而来的还有焦糖味，变普了。
我像一个地缚灵，无法出走，就为每一个迷失者带路。或者是泥潭里的乌龟，爬不出去，但是有人掉下来的时候，我说我知道哪里危险，咱们这样办吧，踩着我的壳走过去罢。
我刚想到，是不是除了厌食症和精神分裂之外，精神病我快都得了一遍。打开神经性厌食症的词条，原来分为限制型和清除型，前者并不会有经常催吐的行为，也没有严重的体型焦虑，食量很小或者很抗拒食用某类食物。有的患者会过度锻炼。那我是了，轻度的那种吧。
我以为医生询问我母亲的精神状况，是想确认我妈妈是否有在谱系上的可能，所以很兴奋地说了，是的，我找到过她年轻时的信件和日记，确实很难过。但医生却说：有的谱系不是真正的谱系，而是母亲在孕期出现的精神状况影响到了孩子。
我再一次，没有预料到结果，或许那个泡泡已经碎过太多次，我来不及感到悲伤，反而怔怔地想：啊，原来是这样吗。我感到我仿佛接受了这句话，又像是什么都没想，十分茫然，就只能接受这片空白中唯一存在的观点。
去检查科的路上，我才猛地想起李姑娘，粒粒，想起孤独症并不是因为母亲“照顾不周”或者孕期意外而造成的，这不是任何一位母亲的错。所以什么叫“不是真正的谱系”呢？我不理解，是就是，而且我大概率是。那这不是因为我母亲产后抑郁造成的。为什么要把我单独拎出来呢？也许从开头，听到“就算是，你也肯定是高功能的”，我就该猜到这个结局，但我期待着如果是这样也不错呢？起码是一个诊断诶。但是没有。这次的结论是我有严重的强迫行为。依我说，如果我就是谱系呢？我是在这个特殊的神经系统里伴生的强迫呢？
但我没有争论。我按照前天设想的那样，坐在候诊位上，在子弹笔记本上一一回答自己的疑问。我希望这样能平静下来，我也能感受到医生很善意，起码在我说出“可能是孤独症”的时候没有任何质疑、不悦的表现。大概三点多做完检查，之后一个小时，或者还不到——因为我停下来哭了几次，也没有仔细看过时间，我写了两页纸，现在估算一下是一千五百多字。我从未在任何一场作文考试中有这样的“高效”，但这并不是冷冰冰的效率或思想深、表达好，而是溃堤的，经年累月的想法和情绪。我以一种另类的方式嚎啕大哭，倾泻痛苦，如果有人要说这就是写作能力，那好吧，ta说了算。
纷乱的想法被固定出来，果然平静了一些，我下笔有时跑偏，意识到了之后又拉回来，最终越想越清楚。我不是执着于一个标签，但我承认我确实想要，因为我想用这个身份说话。不是为了希望渺茫的“名气”，起码，我能够毫无愧疚地说这是我的体验和表达，而不是我“借用某个群体”来创作（我看到“星星的孩子”和“艺术”，真的会觉得很恶心很生气，作者，你知道你在说什么吗？）
“你是可以创作的人诶！”朋友的那句话，断断续续地在我脑海里响起，最终变成一个凝实的声音：如果我的，我们的声音不被重视，那我就该继续说，更大声地说，在更高的地方说，更有效率地说。我能拿笔，这已是一件幸事，我可以有影响力。我还好好地站着并不是一种罪过，也不是证明我“功能完好就是有点疑心病”的铁证，这是运气，也是能力，让我可以为倒下的人，音量不够大的人说话。
虽然现在我依然籍籍无名，但我总有一天会做到的。我从来没有哪一刻，对生活如此肯定，并且没有不切实际的亢奋与战栗，我很平静，视线沿着窗外的树冠攀至顶端，然后默念：First, an artist; then, a scientist. If I'm not an expert, so what? Why not be an expert.
我想好了，如果我不是，如果我永远得不到诊断——因为假若我确实不是谱系人，那又怎么样呢？我依然可以用所学去帮助他人，典型、非典型，我都能理解，我可以成为一个更好的治疗师（希望如此）。我得不到谅解，甚至因为决定“攀登”，更努力地“康复”（其实是成长），被宽恕的可能性更渺茫了——那就没有吧，我要做事的前提就是状态好，所以认下一些偏见也无妨。
虽然，我依然对于，“需要努力做到什么，才能有所改变，有话语权”这件事，感到不公平，所以我绝对不会劝任何人一起“往前看”。这只是我的决定，但我做这件事，就是为了改变这个状况，我希望“自辩”的压力越来越小——甚至于没有，人们的认知越来越丰富包容，支持系统更完善。我有余力，那就做吧，但这绝不能是强加于谱系人身上的任务。
若我将永驻幽冥，那么，在忘川河上摆渡也不错，对吧？
17.1.2023 復活歌語り特別編（「懐かしアニソン大会」hhhh
日触
安全地帯 – ワインレッドの心
安全地帯 – じれったい
安全地帯 – 真夜中すぎの恋
狼
キンモクセイ – さらば
こち亀 （=こちら葛飾区亀有公園前派出所 – 葛飾ラプソディ？）
高橋ひろ – アンバランスなKissをして
大槻真希 – memories
LUV and SOUL – はじめてのチュウ
21.1.2023 まったり歌語り
CHAGE and ASKA – WALK
CHAGE and ASKA – LOVE SONG
スピッツ – 空も飛べるはず
スピッツ – 楓
Mr.Children – シーソーゲーム～勇敢な恋の歌～
Mr.Children – HERO
Mr.Children – さよなら2001年
Mr.Children – and I love you
Limahl – Never Ending Story
Lea Salonga & Brad Kane – A Whole New World
Mr.Children – 君が好き
BUMP OF CHICKEN – 銀河鉄道
BUMP OF CHICKEN – 同じドアをくぐれたら
阿部真央 – いつの日も
桑田佳祐&桜井和寿 – 奇跡の地球
井上陽水 – 少年時代
the pillows – ハイブリッドレインボウ
11.2.2023 ユーミン歌語りっ
荒井由実 – ルージュの伝言
松任谷由実 – 真夏の夜の夢
荒井由実 – 卒業写真
ASKA C-46
松任谷由実 – ひこうき雲
John Denver – Take Me Home, Country Roads
14.2.2023 バレンタインな歌語りツイキャス [twitcast]
仮面は闇に溶けて
愛のうた
L'Arc～en～Ciel – flower
鎖
宇多田光 – First Love
[fanicon] バレンタイン配信っ
The Gospellers – 永遠に
山口百恵 – 秋桜(コスモス)
尾崎豊 – I love you
https://www.bilibili.com/audio/au3791490
ラヴ・イズ・オーヴァー
MISIA – Everything
Jason Mraz – I'm Yours
25.3.2023 初カラオケ配信っ
CHAGE and ASKA – Yah Yah Yah
松本梨香 – めざせポケモンマスター
SOUL'd OUT – 1,000,000 MONSTERS ATTACK (ミリオンモンスターズアタック)
グラブル – Paradise Lost
安全地帯 – ワインレッドの心
One Piece – We Are!
Aerosmith – I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing
2022.07.23
Mr. Children – Tomorrow never knows
愛のうた
Guns N' Roses – Sweet Child O' Mine
Guns N' Roses – Welcome To The Jungle
骨伝導
♪
2022.07.28
宇多田ヒカル – Passion
花音
日触
♪
2022.07.31
CHAGE and ASKA – 太陽と埃の中で
GLAY / HOWEVER
AUG
2022.08.16 洋楽Nickelback夜
GRANBLUE FANTASY – Dominion Black Dragon
Nickelback – Rockstar
Nickelback – Someday
Nickelback – Hero
Nickelback – What the Hell is on Joey's Head?
Daughtry – It's Not Over
Sunday Morning
♪
2022.08.21 J-ROCK
ONE PIECE OP
SAMURAI DRIVE
L'Arc~en~Ciel – HEAVEN'S DRIVE
白い花
♪
2022.08.26 披頭士之夜
伊藤由奈 – ENDLESS STORY
The Beatles – Blackbird
BUMP OF CHICKEN – スノースマイル
A Hard Day's Night
Yesterday
Hey Jude
Across the Universe
Let It Be
Two of Us
Eleanor Rigby
Here, There and Everywhere
Don't Let Me Down
Backstreet Boys – I Want It That Way
ナユタ
frontier
艶花
INDUSTRIAL LADY
暁
サナギ
光
ASIAN KUNG-FU GENERATION – 海岸通り
ASIAN KUNG-FU GENERATION – リライト
Ellegarden – Space Sonic
Ellegarden – Missing
Bump of Chicken – 銀河鉄道
the pillows – Funny Bunny
ワルツ
♪
2022.09.19 漫研雜談夜
レミオロメン – 電話
レミオロメン – 3月9日
レミオロメン – 粉雪
鬼束ちひろ – 月光
鬼束ちひろ – 私とワルツを
ブラスタ – That's my life
♪
2022.09.23 お知らせ！(´･ωゞ)
Spitz – 楓
Spitz – チェリー
King Gnu – 逆夢
BUMP OF CHICKEN – 同じドアをくぐれたら
L'Arc〜en〜Ciel – 叙情詩
L'Arc～en～Ciel – 虹
♪
2022.09.25 黑星三周年趴
孤独の夜、祈り月
Breaking it Faster
w/ 松本明人
1. Spitz – 楓
2. 健康 – 針金
3. 宇多田光 – First Love
4. BLACKSTAR
OCT
2022.10.02 お花がテーマの歌
Janne Da Arc – 月光花
山口百恵 – 秋桜
花音
♪
2022.10.07 「秋」の歌
Weezer – Island In The Sun
絢香 – 三日月
ELLEGARDEN – The Autumn Song
ELLEGARDEN – Butterfly
Bump of Chicken – プラネタリウム
Bump of Chicken – ロストマン
サナギ
2022.10.20【ホシノナイヨルニ公演記念 小林太郎x松本明人(真空ホロウ) 直前生放送】
月影紅く
Run away together
Caprice of love
♪
2022.10.23寒くなってきたっぽい曲やるよー🌌🦉 BUMP夜
ブラスタ – 荒野にて
B'z – いつかのメリークリスマス
Coldplay – Viva la vida
BUMP OF CHICKEN – Snow Smile (スノースマイル)
BUMP OF CHICKEN – 同じドアをくぐれたら
BUMP OF CHICKEN – Dandelion (ダンデライオン)
BUMP OF CHICKEN – Laugh Maker (ラフ・メイカー)
BUMP OF CHICKEN – Arue (アルエ)
BUMP OF CHICKEN – K
BUMP OF CHICKEN – embrace
BUMP OF CHICKEN – ギルド
BUMP OF CHICKEN – sailing day
BUMP OF CHICKEN – 車輪の唄
BUMP OF CHICKEN – レム
BUMP OF CHICKEN – fire sign
BUMP OF CHICKEN – 太陽
BUMP OF CHICKEN – Ever lasting lie
桑田佳祐 – 白い恋人達
♪
2022.10.30 危うくミスチル回になりかけました（なってた
スノーダンス
安田さん
中島美嘉 – 雪の華
WINO – 太陽は夜も輝く (HxH)
Mr. Children – フェイク
Mr. Children – 掌
Mr. Children – HERO
Mr. Children – innocent world
レミオロメン – 粉雪
NOV
2022.11.19 AGF & 星無夜祭 ありがとうござました配信
鴉
2022.11.24 チャゲアス&洋楽夜
CHAGE and ASKA – PRIDE
CHAGE and ASKA – 終章(エピローグ)
CHAGE and ASKA – 僕はこの瞳で嘘をつく
安全地帯 – ワインレッドの心
Let it Be
Desperado
Norah Jones – Don't Know Why
Green Day – Wake Me Up When September Ends
Green Day – Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Linkin Park – Breaking the Habit
Linkin Park – Somewhere I Belong
時雨
2022.11.29 晶ちゃんお誕生日おめでとう
Seaside Escape
2022.12.22 fanicon 歌語り#1続きだよ
CHAGE and ASKA – say yes
Soul'd Out – TOKYO通信
時雨
円舞曲
泳遠
CHAGE and ASKA – 男與女
ソフィー
